Receiving feedback and hearing it is a skill that many leaders and bosses need to develop. Being defensive is a difficult behavior to overcome since, too often, people want to defend their actions, attitudes, and results.
Why?
They:
- Find it hard to laugh at themselves
- Worked hard but failed to ask for help and instead accepted mediocrity
- Have a perfectionist attitude
- Feel misjudged (and it may be true)
- Are overly sensitive to hearing anything that is negative
- Blame the person delivering the feedback for the way they speak or deliver the information – their excuse for not listening
As a leader, you may cause team members to be defensive when you:
- Are critical
- Overreact to situations
- Expect perfection
- Take things personally
- Have poor feedback and coaching skills
The additional problem is, coaching and feedback are difficult to hear when delivered poorly!
Yet, you will find that people excel when they are open and receptive to feedback without being defensive. (Think of well-paid sports people, leaders excelling in their work, entrepreneurs selling their startups, etc.)
How to Hear Feedback without Being Defensive
- Be open and value the insight, whether you want to hear it or not.
- Set aside ego. While you may not like being judged, develop a healthy ego that is committed to your success.
- Ask for clarification or example. Ask open-ended questions, and hear the value offered. (Even when the feedback or coaching is poorly delivered.)
- Thank the person for their insights. Include their recommendations where appropriate (e.g., if you winging presentations, a plan and practice will make a big difference in your career).
- Remember, saying you’ll think about it is a different way of being defensive.
How to Deliver Feedback without Being Defensive
- Talk with a select few people that were impacted or aware of the situation. Be careful about nitpicking someone’s personality. If someone talks too much, instead of saying that, say, “It’s important in these situations that you listen more than talk. And, here’s why.”
- Use sandwich or direct approach. This depends on the person and the type of feedback you need to deliver.
- Practice with your coach. Especially if you’re a new leader, or believe the person will be defensive.
- Keep it simple. No more than two key issues or challenges. Yes, there may be more feedback you feel is necessary. But that can be overwhelming and not helpful. (I’ve seen leaders and bosses give an employee a list of 20 items … the person was overwhelmed and became defensive. Consider, in this case and similar ones, that it is due to poor job fit.) Again, to ensure great results, only provide two at a time and check in with the person to determine progress before adding additional areas for improvement … you find additional feedback is not necessary.
- Make a plan for improvement. For team members, it’s important that there is a process they can follow and learn from.
- Either: The most effective choice is to have the person create it (be clear about required outcomes and have a “By When Date” this will occur).
- Or, provide a process for them to follow, which will not be as effective because there may not be buy in, and will be effective as long as you are managing the process.
- Now, follow-up and follow-through. Most people skip this … big mistake! You need to have regular check ins to ensure progress is being made. It also shows your commitment to the person’s success.
©Jeannette Seibly 2026 All Rights Reserved
Jeannette Seibly is a legacy‑driven Talent Advisor, Leadership Results Coach, and Business Author. For over 33 years, she has empowered thousands of executives and business leaders to achieve sustainable success through strategic hiring, values‑based coaching, and intentional leadership development. Her work blends clarity, accountability, and soulful impact—activating performance and purpose at every level.